Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes. Turn and face the stranger.

Global warming, global cooling, global this, and global that.  The accepted nomenclature has become "climate change."  "But isn't climate always ch-ch-ch-changing?" you might ask. #howdareyoumakefunofhisstutter  "Experts" in the field have told us that most of us will have drowned because of human caused rising sea levels a decade ago or a decade from now or when we are still here in a decade it will be a decade from then, etc. etc.  #climatecatastrophefluid #beachfrontpropertyincolorado  #thatwasthenthisisnow

Man made climate change is all the rage.  Misandry at it's finest!  #whyitgottabemansfault  All evil white men do is oppress things (women, minorities, sea life, polar bears, rare birds, LGBTQIA+ people and members from the animal kingdom, the planet in general, etc.).  MAGA hat wearing cis-male honkeys are destroying the planet by driving their monster trucks to Carl's Jr. for oversized hamburgers and to sexually harass women while simultaneously hate criming minorities and gays.  "It's hard out here for a pimp."  #whoopthattrick  #fuckyoucrackerassbitch

Maybe we should make things that hurt the climate hate crimes.  Makes about as much sense as wasting time on thinking about classifying any crimes as hate crimes in the first place.  Last time I checked, criminals don't give a fuck about how the law classifies their activities.  #fuckthapolice  If making an activity a crime doesn't act as a deterrent, how does calling that crime an extra, ultra serious, mega MAGA, very bad, racist, hateful, super mean level crime make any difference whatsoever?  #writtenlikeatrueinsurrectionistprick

Climate scientists are happy that Birthing Person Earth is letting us know, loud and clear that climate change is real.  #sitdownalgore  #noneedforyourprivatejetjohnkerry  According to the senior climate scientist at Project Drawdown, Kate Marvel, "Until humans stop putting greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, the planet will keep warming." #somethingsmellsfunny

Kate "Captain" Marvel also points to evil racist white men using the climate as a weapon against their non-white enemies.  This "weird weather" as she calls it "intersects with the society we've (the evil white pricks) built."  Upon further analysis of the analytics, lingering inequality #systemicracism combined with climate catastrophes is fucking minorities in the ass, and for the sake of that analogy without overanalyzing them, they identify as people analogous with those who prefer not being anally violated.  #analanalanal  #someoneseemstobefixatedonanal

According to Ms. Marvel, Air pollution is worse in predominantly "people of color" (she actually wrote "Black," but that sounded kinda racist.) neighborhoods.  #fuckyoucracker  Heat waves are supposedly hotter in historically redlined neighborhoods.  #redhot  Hurricane Harvey apparently disproportionately flooded Spanish-speaking households.  #chingatumadrepinchecabron  Even more recently, the devastation from Hurricane Hillary was way more intense for the BIPOC community.  I'd bet that CNN and local news reports included that minorities in California got way wetter than rich white insurrectionists.  #gonnawhoopyoasshonky

Marvelous Kate thinks the "we'll just adapt" crowd is wrong because the climate keeps ch-ch-ch-changing.  "If we do nothing to stop climate change, then more and more places will become uninhabitable- and how can we adapt to that?"  Her informed opinion is that we must get our global greenhouse gas emissions to net zero.  #letsalsodecidetohaveworldpeacewhileweareatit  #cantforgettoendracismaswell

Global emissions to net-zero?  That sounds cool.  Let's all just start cooking our meals with magnifying glasses and the sun.  We'll have to eat all of our cooked foods during daylight hours, but we can adapt.  In the wintertime, we'll just become raw vegans, wear a lot of layers, and use many sustainably sourced blankets.  Unfortunately, no one can live in Arizona or Nevada in the hot months.  Who am I kidding?  With climate change all of the months are hot ones.  So, we'll redline certain areas as summer death zones.  #byebyesincity  "Bright light city gonna set my soul, gonna set my soul on fire!"  #literally

Beginning immediately, no one can drive fossil fuel powered vehicles.  Unfortunately, that means that no one can drive electric vehicles either, because the electricity was derived from fossil fuels. #spoileralert  Also, I hate to be a stickler, but the creation of those electric vehicles and the extensive mining of rare earth minerals necessary for those EVs was very fossil fuel dependent as well.  So, saving the Earth by raping the Earth isn't a workable strategy.  #nomeansnorapist  #earthmetoomovement  #weareinatightspot

It seems like anyone serious about having global emissions at net-zero would be pushing for the elimination of all energy dependent forms of travel.  

Horses, donkeys, horse drawn carriages, 

bicycles, skateboards, Heelies, 

those weird old man sit-down tricycles, 

sailboats, paddle boards, paddle boats, 

and those old-timey hand-powered rail cars should be the new normal.  #pedalpoweredairplanes  #petaprotesttrophyachieved

Obviously, altering the natural environment exacerbates climate change, so all new construction will cease for a plethora of reasons.  Clear cutting forests for any reason be it for roads, homes, or agriculture is strictly forbidden.  Current roads must be dismantled by hand-powered pick axes and removed by wheel barrows.  All technology workers will now work on chain gangs returning our national roads and highways to greenbelts and new forest.  "Got in the house like a pigeon from hell.  Oh-o-o-o-oh.  Threw sand in our eyes and descended like flies."  #thankschrissie

The farther we remove ourselves from the splendor of Birthing Person Nature, the closer we get to climate catastrophe.  The white supremacists who started the industrial revolution lit the fuse on our ultimate demise.  Those misogynist pricks that have been laughing at Greta Thunberg will soon be laughing in the fiery pits of Hell!  #howdareyou

The good news is that if Dumbfuckistan implements all these climate saving measures immediately, the benefit to reversing the impending climate catastrophic tsunami will be statistically meaningless.  For every step the DFS (Dumbfuckistan- the new America) takes toward limiting global CO2 emissions, China and other countries take 10 steps in the opposite direction.  #whofarted

Analogy alert!  Let's pretend for a moment that the entire world is represented by one large pasture.  In the pasture, the DFS is represented by one big fat mean ugly orange man and the rest of the countries in the world are represented by cows based on their sizes.  The bigger the country means the more cows in the pasture.  Every creature in the pasture is farting up a storm especially that fat orange bastard.  The methane that's being emitted into the atmosphere is causing catastrophic climate change.  #eminentdoom

To make matters worse, the fat orange asshole loves to scarf down McDonalds and Taco Bell which in turn intensifies his flatulence.  Did I mention he's fat?  To claim that he was six foot three two hundred and fifteen pounds would be laughable!  His choice of diet causes extensive amounts of pasture killing farts.  #gluttonousnarcissisticturd

Recognizing a relationship between flatulence and the increasing uninhabitability of the pasture, one of the cows convinces the fat bag o' shit to change his diet to reduce his fart frequency to zero.  IQ question- Would the orange fat fuck's change make a significant difference in reducing Fartmageddon?  Additional scenario-  What if in response to the orange lard ass and his dietary restrictions some of cows decided to fart more frequently, what would be the impact on the impending Fartmageddon?  #playstupidgames

Every road, house, car, building, factory, solar panel, wind turbine, charging station, et al has negatively impacted our environment.  This includes the saintly electric vehicles.  Should we plant trees or cut down trees to farm and build houses?  Should we dismantle our modern society to go back to pre-industrial revolution times or start constructing new coal plants every week?  Picking and choosing things to change that ultimately have next to zero impact on the "sky is falling" problem of the moment is pretty ridiculous.  #letsfocusonthedropsintheairabovethemiddleofthepool

If we were to all agree as a global society that any specific issue needed to be addressed by everyone and meaningful strategies to effectively address that issue were created, then it would be beneficial for everyone to enact those strategies.  Without complete or at least significant buy-in by everyone involved, the chances of issue resolution are slim.  #thankscaptainobvious  

With strategies that are suspect to begin with and participation in those strategies in the minority, chances of success approach zero. But hey, let's continue to argue about it while John Kerry flies to climate conferences to enlighten everyone on saving the world.  It's called the Green Revolution because there's a lot of money to be made.  #seriouslywhofarted