I Can't Go For That
No can do!
The house I lived in when I was 8 was located in a somewhat rural area. It was actually built on the side of a hill. Not a part of a large housing tract, it was a one-off house built on land excavated on a hillside. This was the home where earlier our nuclear family died with the Armageddon of divorce.
Across the road from our house was an expansive uncultivated plot of land. It was at least a mile long and a couple of hundred yards wide. A 3-strand barbed wire fence surrounded the perimeter keeping the tumbleweeds from escaping.
That is until they would pile up at one of the borders during a windy day.
Then a lucky few would Evel Knievel out and sail down the highway with a Christopher Cross soundtrack playing. #justadreamandthewindtocarryme #undocumentedmobileshrubbery
My younger brother and I, desperate for anything interesting to do in our relatively neighbor less hood, would carefully maneuver our ways through the barbed wire fence like a boxer entering the ring for a championship fight and traverse that protected land like David and Jack on the Yorkshire moors. Most times the only action found would be giant black ant hills.
One day while strolling the forbidden zone, we spotted a non-insect creature. As young boys in the seventies, finding creatures was like discovering buried treasure, alligator lizards, horny toads, kangaroo mice, potato bugs, the bigger the better. One of our life's dreams was to own a monkey, obviously.
We motion each other to slowly creep toward our new pet flanking him on either side. Once we are in range we make eye contact, and it's on! Stealth mode abandoned, we quickly descend upon Mr. Fuzzy. Realizing our presence he bolts off like the Road Runner- furry off-road mammal edition.
That little bastard was fast. Up ahead in the field was an old rusty topless steel drum. For as fleet of foot as Cuddles was he was conversely slow of mind. That little dumb ass ran directly into the drum. My brother and I quickly stood up the drum, and our new pet was secure. #fuzzywuzzy
All three of our hearts raced. A boring stroll through an empty field turned in to a successful adrenaline fueled pet safari. Clearly, we weren't going to carry that heavy rusty drum back to our house. Being smart, I decide that I'll reach in and pick up our new furry friend. #themindofachild
What happened next is obvious to anyone with any amount of common sense. Fluffy was trapped and fearing for his life. My new-pet-fantasy driven dumb ass decided to try and pick him up. His initial reaction was to avoid my hand. Eventually, I got within grabbing range. #waitforit
He sunk his long yellow teeth so far into my finger I thought I was going to die. The rusty drum tumbled over as I fell back crying in agony. Blood dripped from my finger as Furball bolted away to safety probably thinking "Fuck Off, losers!" in his little mind while briefly pausing to turn and give us the middle claw.
I went into immediate meltdown mode complete rabies hysteria. My mind was flooded with all of the stories from all the elementary school Dr. Faucis. If you got bit by an animal then you needed to get like 100 shots in the stomach for the rest of your life or something ridiculously agonizing. #hellodarknessmyoldfriend
The closer we got to the house meant the closer I was to my mom forcing me into the car to go to the hospital. Life went from mundane and boring to never ending pain and misery all because of an unplanned pursuit of a pretty new pet. #naughtypetyourenaughty
Back in the house, I showed my mom my mutilated finger. Upon finishing my hysterical recap of the end of my life as I knew it, she calmly told me to go wash my finger. The last thing I wanted was to go to the torture emporium. #bringitondowntoneedleville
The urban legend propaganda campaign dictated that I needed to get all those shots simply to stay alive. Sniveling like an idiot with a freshly washed finger, I approached my mom. She casually told me that I already had a rabies shot, so I didn't need to go to the hospital. #herlackofconcernwasconcerning
About an hour later, the adrenaline wore off, and the hysterics subsided. My punctured finger scabbed up and eventually healed. Lucky for me, I didn't get rabies or even worse become a weregopher.
Beyond realizing that the insane amount of shots in the stomach was bullshit, I learned an important lesson that day. Don't advance on something unless you are willing to pay the price. That price could be a lifetime of stomach shots, full moons spent as a weregopher prowling vacant fields for victims to slaughter, injury, and/or death. The crazy amount of stomach shots actually wasn't a myth. Luckily for me, medicine had advanced beyond the necessity of becoming a human pin cushion. #icantgopherthat
Many adults these days seem markedly dumber than an eight year old gopher hunter. At no point in my life would I go after someone that had a deadly weapon. Not a bat, not a knife, not a gun. Maybe a flame thrower. Obviously kidding, definitely not a flame thrower either. #anythingwecandoabouttheheat
With today's current political climate, up is down, and down is up. According to the mainstream media criminals are heroes, and police are villains. Not only are criminals the good guys, but the non criminals caused the criminals to do their crimes and are therefore even badder guys. #emptytheprisons #defundthepolice
Crimes shouldn't be punished or even acknowledged as crimes. If in fact a rogue law enforcement officer arrests someone for actually committing a crime, said "victim" must be immediately released with no bail. #arrestingcriminalsisbad #cashbailisracist
Violent riots are constitutionally protected peaceful protests as long as those that are protesting are on the correct team. #donttryandcomplainataschoolboardmeetingthough Anything is fair game. Beating people, up to and including killing them, fire bombing police officers, police vehicles, and police buildings, breaking and entering businesses, stealing, and looting are all fair game and are part of their program. #whiteaintalright #reparations
Anyone standing in the way of these "peaceful protests" is obviously wrong and definitely a white supremacist. #truedatcracker How dare that 17 year old white supremacist lifeguard try and undo all the righteous graffiti and protect a white supremacist car lot owned by nonwhites. How dare he not lay down and die when Jo Jo got him alone. #apparentlyruffalolikespedophiles
The phrase active shooter is thrown around all "willy nilly" like insurrection these days. Possessing a firearm does not make one an active shooter. One must be "actively engaged in killing or attempting to kill." Defending yourself from attack does not an active shooter make. #logicisracist
That white supremacist militia member with with the scary assault rifle machine gun was straight out of a Super Contra videogame. #videogamesareracist
The problem with their "narrative" is that Joseph Rosenbaum aka Jo Jo. threatened, chased down, and attempted to attack this "active shooter" who hadn't shot anyone and was running away. Earlier in the night Jo Jo had shouted the n-word and threatened that "I catch any of you guys alone tonight, I'm going to fucking kill you." Come to find out later on that night, he did get him alone. After being chased down and fearing for his life, the "active shooter" who as of yet hadn't discharged his weapon shot and killed Jo Jo. #convictedpederastchasesdown17yearoldboy
Now, the "active shooter" began running for the police. People were chasing and threatening the "active shooter" as he ran. "Cranium that boy!" He stumbled and fell to the ground. #ibetthewhitesupremacistopenedfireoneveryone #nope
One man pulled a fancy professional wrestling flying kick. #wwfforlife Another wanted it to be a hardcore match as he hit him in the head with his skateboard. #bringingaskateboardtoagunfight #darwinawardnominee #whereistherefweyouneedhim
As opposed to being skateboarded unconscious, the "active shooter" chose to defend himself. The attacking skateboarder, Anthony Huber, was now dead. He lived out one of his common mantras, "skate or die." #shouldhavechoseskate
"Rittenhouse also shot paramedic Gaige Grosskreutz, who was wounded. Grosskreutz was also armed with a gun, but he testified that his arms were raised in surrender when Rittenhouse shot him."
Next comes the handgun wielding paramedic, Gaige Grosskreutz, to the rescue. Last time I checked paramedics didn't use handguns to deliver aid to those in need. Why would a paramedic go to an active riot with a handgun? #itwasapeacefulprotestracist #thingsthatmakeyougohmmmmm It was also proven in court with video and admitted by that paramedic under cross examination that his gun was pointed at Rittenhouse when he was shot. Video evidence and testimony by the individual be damned, their version of events is the only one that matters. #evidenceiswhitesupremacy
He gets close and puts his hands up. The "active shooter" doesn't shoot. The paramedic at close range now attempts to deliver "aid" by pointing his handgun at the seated "active shooter." The paramedic superhero then gets shot in the right arm. #guessyoureliterallyaleftynow #tearsofaclown
There was a lot of crime happening that night during that "peaceful protest." These 3 "heroes" were not in Kenosha to sing Kumbaya by a campfire or one of the many available structure fires.
Shut the fuck up, Billy! #theymostdefinitelystartedthefires They were there to destroy and intimidate. Had each one of them refrained from advancing on the white kid with the AR-15 standing in the car lot not shooting people, no one would have been shot by him. #couldhavestayedhome #couldhavewentskateboarding #yourkickflipdidneedwork #waterunderthebridge #couldhavenotdrawnyourweapononanarmedkidunderattack
Each one of the "heroes" aggressively went after the "illegal gun carrying" white supremacist militia member. The media's reporting of this case was so biased that many people in America and around the world thought that the 3 men shot were black. I wonder how all those people got that idea? #3shot2killedbywhitesupremacistatblacklivesmatterprotest
Evidence was presented. Arguments were made. The jury decided. The "active shooter" was found not guilty on all charges. The underage gun charge had to be dismissed. As it turns out, it is legal for a 17 year-old to carry a long barreled rifle. It shouldn't be legal for idiot prosecutors to point guns at juries with their fingers on the triggers. #justsaying #alecbaldwinshouldplaythisguyinthemovie
Unfortunately for the media and those that believe their narrative, it is clear that they are full of shit. After examining the evidence and the facts, the truth is obvious to anyone with brain function. But, they can't go for that. No can do! #factsarewhitesupremacist
They're sticking with "a white supremacist murderer shot 3 white men killing 2 of them proving that white supremacy is the number one threat to America." #letsgobrandon
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