Get Off My Lawn!

After a long and winding road post high school, I eventually earned my Bachelor's degree from Cal State San Bernardino.  Our school mascot is the coyote.  So, I am a coyote.

Too many people these days like to spout off a bunch of dumb shit involving topics that they know nothing about.  The best is when one of these mental martial artists tries to make fun of someone else by pointing out that person's alleged stupidity, and it immediately bites them in the ass.  Recently, several really ill-informed idiots climbed up on their digital soapbox to proclaim to the world how incredibly stupid they are.  This proclamation came in the form of mockery directed at some fat orange guy who talked about coyotes.  #orangeisthenewasshole

The word coyote was used in reference to the illegal immigration problem that we have on the southern border.  Coyote being commonly used to describe a criminal that aids in illegal immigration into America.  These special geniuses thought the reference was to the carnivorous mammal. #wordscanhavemultiplemeanings

#stupidisasstupiddoes

A few days ago, I got a notice in my actual physical mailbox about recent coyote sightings from the management in my complex.  Being a learned individual, I used my functioning brain to realize that it was referring to the animal and not me or the human traffickers.  #thisisahouseoflearneddoctors #nooffensetaken

Hide your pets.  Hide your kids.  Bloodthirsty beasts are on the prowl. #coyoterapers

I run at night when doing training runs for half marathons.  I used to log multiple runs a week leading up to a race.  A few years back during one of my training runs, I had a run-in with some coyotes (the animals). #runinwhilerunning

My routine was always the same.  I would leave from my house and walk for about 10 minutes to warm up.  #dontwannapullahammy  Then, I would begin my run.  These training runs through an area of north Huntington Beach where Boeing is located would start at about a distance of 2 miles and would increase with each run.  #wannabeforestgump

The streets in this industrial area were basically empty during these nighttime runs.  On one occasion,  I spotted a coyote up ahead.  When I got too close, the coyote ran away.  From that point on, I became hyper focused on my surroundings not wanting to be ambushed by some mangy coyote.  I had previously encountered dogs, cats, squirrels, opossums, and raccoons, but never coyotes. #sadlynounicornseither

Another night running that same stretch of coyote road, I saw an actual pack of coyotes.  That is if three can be considered a pack (3 pack?).  

As I got increasingly closer to this pack, I started waving my arms and jumping around House of Pain style hoping they would scatter and let me pass.  #packituppackitinletmebegin  Talk about a cardiovascular workout, my heart was on meth listening to an Olivia Newton John soundtrack the closer I got.  #letsgetphysical #youregivingmeaheartattack

Those mutts eventually scampered to the side of the road as I passed. #Ijusttypedscamper   Fearing being jumped from behind and eaten alive, I began running backward keeping my eyes focused on those three canine cunts as I began to put distance between us.  I eventually lost sight of them as I turned a corner and continued my run.  #scaredycat

After reaching the halfway distance for night, I turned around continuing the run now heading back toward my house.  #meetmehalfway   This return route would take me back to and through the danger zone. #highwaytothedangerzone  

I had a nagging feeling that those mangy little fuckers would be waiting for me.  I was preparing myself mentally by visualizing all the Kung Fu that I would unleash on them if they stepped to me. #stepupfool  #hongkongphooey

I turned the corner onto Coyote Road. There was a parking lot on my right and a large industrial building on my left with a hedge running its length parallel to the road.  My eyes were focused ahead searching for los tres amigos coyote. #bilingual  The intensity was extreme even before I noticed something in my periphery. #situationalawarenessonanotherlevel #jackreacheraintgotnothinonme

One of those Wiley coyote motherfuckers was stalking me from the side of the industrial building.  He was sitting on lookout waiting for me between the building and the hedge like a sniper.  The only things missing were the green camouflage and the rifle.  #lookatthismuthafuckarighthere

As I passed by, he popped up and started running mirroring my position. #peekabooIseeyou

I kept my eyes locked on him as I continued running, mindful of the other two sum bitches in hiding.  I began running erratically as I had earlier and yelled at the Wiley sniper.  He picked up his pace and sprinted ahead joining the other two as they strolled out from their hiding places in the kill zone.  I wanna say that they were smiling.  They were going to triangulate my ass.  #geometryrules

The three of them were now standing united in the middle of the street a triumvirate of coyote evil.  I could have possibly turned and pulled a Road Runner in the other direction, but at this point I didn't have the speed. #beepbeep  I visualized them chasing me down in no time and tearing into my ass.

Little did they know that I had been mentally practicing my Coyote busting Kung Fu for the better part of the last half hour just like Neo downloading training programs in the Matrix. #whoah

I increased my aggression the closer I got remembering what the great Bhoda Zypha said about basic dog psychology.  "If you scare them, get them peeing down their leg, they submit."  I needed to project strength to avoid conflict.  #ifonlyIhadapresidentsmask

I picked up speed, began swinging my arms wildly, and started yelling random shit at them.  Luckily for me, they must have decided that I was too much trouble or too batshit crazy.  They darted off into the night.  Crisis avoided.  #scamperthendart #whatdoyouhaveagainstscurry

If only it was that easy to scare off the other coyotes.  #acmecartelstopper  It doesn't seem that our current leader's agenda is anything but pro cartel.  #thismessagewasapprovedbyms13

Is the purpose of an international border to create an illegal immigration industry for criminals in other countries?  It seems that our current system is only working for the cartels and coyotes in Mexico.  Actually enforcing the boundaries of America is now unfair? #wearenottellingyounottocome

What?  Borders are now racist?  And, racism is obviously abhorrent.  So, the official policy says fuck borders! #thenewnormal   Or is it only America's borders that are racist?  Many people want to come to this place.  Should they all be allowed to come?  #itsnowafreecountrynoticketrequired

Current America is like Woodstock but with shittier music. #cardibawful #moron5 #unfreetekashi69  Our morals are in the overflowing port-a-potty, but at least the music sucks.  #ifthesearemyoptionsthenmakemyfuckingearsstopworking

Tickets were presold, bands were booked, and everything seemed great.  But the mass of people wanting to get in was unforeseen.  Ticket booths and fencing were not set up in time to stem the tide.  Hundreds of thousands of people poured in for free.  Over a half a million people flooded the concert area equal to over ten times the amount originally expected.  They had no way of keeping anyone out, so they made it a free concert.  #Iguessitsfreenow  #sobankruptcythen

Woodstock was a financial disaster just like current America. #justprintmore  What's crazy is that we had some fences, ticket booths, and staff.  We were building more border infrastructure, but for some odd reason security became the newest trend in evil and had to be halted.  #haltyouevildoers

The anti-American American establishment will remind you every chance they get that we live on land that was stolen by our white supremacist forefathers.  #bekindremind  #statuesareracisttoo  These very vocal "Americans" claim to live in an inherently evil country founded on stolen land and slavery.  So, what should we do now? #packyourshitandgetthefuckoutyouevilbigot

Many if not all countries on the planet have changed owners over the years.  Those mostly peaceful transfers of property aren't usually accomplished with banks, real estate agents, and mortgage payments.  Battles and wars have ensued over territories since the beginning of time.  The winner traditionally is the side with the strongest army not the one with the most empathetic leader. #trustusheisareallyniceguydespitedecadesofevidencetothecontrary

Most American citizens were born into this section of the world, country if you will, as Americans while others have chosen to legally move here and become citizens.  #citizendick

This is a very diverse population of people.  What should today's variety of Americans do about the founding fathers' acquisition of the land that is now referred to in maps and by everyone else on the planet as America? #fuckwhitey

If you were to line up everyone who wanted to get into America, that line would probably stretch around the globe.  Why do so many people want to come here?  #whitesupremacisthellscapesareappealingIguess

 Are they masochists?

Are they nihilists? #mustbeexhausting  

Are they all white supremacists in immigrants clothing?  Or contrary to the unredeemable bigot narrative, does this place have good things that people are literally dying to be a part of?  #goodthingsarestillgoodright

It doesn't make sense that so many people would want to come to this supposed rotten to the core white supremacist hive of horror.  #conundrum

How many liberal, anti-racist, rich land/home owners are opening their doors to those in need (immigrants, homeless people, drug addicts, etc.)? #plentyofroomintheguesthouse  How can you argue against a border wall while you live behind locked doors in a gated community?  #notyourproblem #thislandisyourlandthislandismyland

America is an actual country recognized the world over.  Elected officials are elected to represent the voices of the American citizens that elected them. #funnyhowthatworks   Do these elected lawmakers recognize the people and the country they were elected to serve?  Countries have borders.  Without borders, we don't have a country.  Without a country, they don't have jobs. #wewillgladlyacceptyourimmediateresignation  #makeupyourminddudeishegonnashitorishegonnakillus

They're not calling for no borders, you say.  The border is okey dokey as long as it's just known locations on maps holding no real world significance.  Does the same hold true for your property lines?  I'm just gonna cruise into your backyard and build myself a tiny house and maybe a skate ramp. #coolwithyou  #skateordie

Better yet, your couch looks really comfy.  I'll just crash there until I decide I'd rather have your bedroom.  #thankschief  You gonna give me a key or should you just remove the lock altogether?  #bettergetthemtools  Oh and the next time you're out, pick me up a twelver of Mountain Dew. #thanksboss  Also, I need about sixty bucks for some essentials actually make it a hundo. #thankscaptain

Call me old school, call me names, call me a big meanie just make sure that you use my correct pronouns.  #respectmytruth  #wordsmatter   Keep in mind that they are fluid, and they change constantly.    #ifyoucaredyouwouldknow  

Refer to the following pronoun chart for an incomplete list and please don't misgender me.  #dontbeabigot

In closing,  I don't care who you are, a kid selling fundraiser candy, a sexual predator, a cute raccoon, an ice cream man giving away boxes of frozen treats because his truck broke down, a door to door handy man, Uncle Rico with a sweet 20 piece set of bowls, a sexy female cat burglar, a lost Costco worker delivering free samples of hummus, some yoked dude looking for Sarah Connor, a coyote (animal or human), an armed assassin, a pair of Mormon missionaries, a hot single female pro bono massage therapist looking for love, actual aliens from another planet with planet saving green energy technology, time traveling trick or treaters not realizing the date, or an illegal immigrant with a legitimate asylum claim.  To put it plainly, STAY THE FUCK OFF MY LAWN!  #guessyoucanaddlawnisttomylistofbigotry   #actuallyIcoulduseamassage  #tobeclearunicornsarealwayswelcome